Catching Up

It's been forever since I've said a thing to you. I won't bore you with all that's happened. Here's what I'm doing now:

• Tweaking Quicksilver, a Star Trek script. Yes, I said Star Trek. I wrote it with two other people, tailored to a particular actress, who had expressed interest in some public remarks. She declined it, so now we're revising it to be suitable for lots of actresses, before we send it off to Paramount.
• Plugging away at Pyte. The plot is good, the outline is good, but it reads like 57,000 words of drivel. I wrote it too fast, as an experiment. I kept reading that editing as you write is a bad habit: just write, and refine it later. Apparently that advice is not for me. I'm rewriting it, but it's slow going.
• Getting ready for NaNoWriMo. I'm excited! Still deciding which novel to write:
• 1. The Suitcase Man. Gretchen is on a road trip, heading back home after a frantic drive to see her father when he had a heart attack. Dad's okay, but now Gretchen has locked her keys in the car. She's broke and far from anyone she knows. That's when she meets Jeremiah, who's offering to pay her $5000 to deliver a suitcase. The reason I hesitate: It's the third book in the series that starts with Pyte. Not sure if I'm not going to write myself into a corner if I don't do them in order.
• 2. An Analysis of the Cardassian Language. Faine Channing is visiting her cousin in Chicago when she suddenly finds herself on an alien space station 350 years in the future. Too bad the aliens, in that century, are at war with Earth. She's interrogated and kept as a prisoner for years until the war is over. This book is her journal. The reason I hesitate: It's Star Trek. Which means if I don't sell it to Pocket Books, I don't sell it at all.

Which one would you write?

Guest Post: On an Economy of Words

Please help me welcome our first guest blogger, Dan Moore:

It's time for my ugly little confession. I have held a novel in my hand and nestled back on my couch. I have buried my nose in its pages and surrendered to the author's fantasy. And, I have skipped over entire paragraphs of description out of sheer boredom. Honest. I've done it.

Striking the balance between description and advancing the plot of a story is an important discipline. I know that there are readers out there who just love endless descriptions. They swoon over wordy sentences with convoluted grammatical structure. I am not one of those folks.

I was taught to write for television and radio. In radio, every word counts. In television, you don't need every word. Although writing books does not bear the constraints of broadcast writing, there is wisdom to be found in its economy. Words are like water. Offered to the reader in well-crafted moderation, they are fine drink for the mind. If poured out in excess, the experience can be like water-boarding.

There are writers who can thrill their readers with verbosity, but many of us don't have the talent, or wit, to do it well. That is okay, because employing fewer words doesn't doom us to literary oblivion. One does not have to sacrifice elegance or power when choosing to be brief. Ernest Hemingway is credited with writing a six-word-story. It reads as follows. "Baby shoes, for sale, never worn." A few well-chosen words can be woven into uncommon prose.

Think of writing as a form of hospitality. When you write a story, you are creating a place for your readers to come and visit. You are the host, the storyteller. A good host doesn't bury his or her guests under everything that can be pulled from the closets and attic. The host gives the visitor space to linger and appreciate the environment. Economical writing is the act of being efficient and evocative. It creates space. It is not obsessed with saying everything that comes to mind. It allows the reader to fill the pregnant voids. Compact prose gives them an amazing gift. It gives their imaginations room to embrace your masterpiece.

In some cases, wordy writing suggests that the writer does not want to relinquish control. If everything is overstated, then the purity of the narrative will be protected. I see the reader as a partner in my storytelling. Writing is only half of the relationship. The reader completes the storytelling. Our narrative will always be shaped by the minds of our readers. Our story is impotent if it isn't. Great writing is always a catalyst for the reader's imagination. Catalysts begin the process; they do not subsume it.

Sometimes writers get wordy when they lose focus. Each scene we write has a purpose. Each paragraph plays a part in furthering the scene. Each sentence has a reason. Individual words matter. Staying focused gives us a metric to evaluate each word and sentence. It teaches us what is important and what is not. What does the reader need to know in order to move forward through the world I have created? Do I really need to describe every detail? Once a sentence has accomplished its task, there needs to be a period.

Wordiness threatens the pacing of a narrative. It weighs it down with an unnecessary burden. Every story has rhythm. Good writing is poetic. It breathes. Some scenes move quickly. Others meander, but the plot always moves forward. Economical writing imparts energy. It evokes movement and sustains the reader's interest. If storytelling is a dance, it is much easier to teach a gazelle than a hippopotamus.

Moore later...

Dan Moore lives with his wife Diana near Syracuse, New York. He is a freelance video producer and the proud father of two sons, two daughters-in-law and three grandsons. Dan caught the Science Fiction bug by reading Robert Heinlein’s “Spaceman Jones” when he was in high school. He holds degrees in Electrical Engineering, Theology and Broadcast Production and Writing. He has written three science fiction novels: Meridian's Shadow, The Rings of Alathea and Nixie's Rise.

Tweet

Screenplay Adaptation: "The Suitcase Man"

On February 29th, I said that my daughter, my niece and I were considering taking a short script and making a movie out of it for YouTube. I said that I'd keep you posted along the way, and mentioned that I'd already written the script. Here's a little bit more about that process:

I started by looking through the short stories I've written. I wanted one that:

• Had a very visual story.
• Could be filmed inexpensively (no exotic locations or special effects).
  
• Had a variety of characters to help demonstrate the talents of my girls.
• I hadn't sold the copyright to.
  
  And of course I ended up choosing "The Suitcase Man".
  
  I copied and pasted it into my scriptwriting program, Celtx, and broke it out into action, characters, parentheticals and dialog. Then I looked it over carefully and made a few changes for the sake of actors and locations. For example, I made the character Gretchen younger because my daughter will be 13 when we expect to film this. Finally, I adjusted some of the action and dialog to show onscreen some things that I had explained in the short story format.
  
  In the next "Suitcase Man" installment: how we chose our roles.
  

Free Online Writing Instruction: Scripts

I recently came across Buzz McLaughlin's blog, and I thought you should know about it.

Buzz is an active feature film producer and partner in the independent production company Either/Or Films. He's the author of many plays and screenplays and of the best-selling book The Playwright’s Process. A Ph.D in dramatic literature, he taught scriptwriting as Playwright-In-Residence for many years at Drew University and currently runs a script consulting service. And he happens to live not far from me (quite close, actually, but I'd have to borrow my brother's canoe).

His blog is called Buzz McLaughlin on Scriptwriting. Some of the post titles:

• "Developing a Script That’s 'Ready”: What It Takes"
• "Locations and Your Script"
• "The Myth of Recognition"
• "The Risk of Self-Exposure"

The latest is called "Leisure Time" and it's Part 7 of a series entitled "Developing Great Characters".

I've just begun reading the posts (there are a lot of them in the archives) and so far I've found lots of good information clearly written in a friendly style. I'm looking forward to learning more. I would like to add just one more piece of advice from my own experience, though: no matter how 'into' the writing you are, don't forget to eat.

Tweet

Terrorism in New Hampshire

My current primary 'real work' project is adapting Resist the Devil into a screenplay. It will be a full-length action movie about what happens to three New Hampshire residents when their town suffers a terrorist attack.

I know this is short but I don't want to spill too much this early. Watch here for more later.

Three Girls and a Suitcase Man

Last time, I told you I was looking into making a short film for Youtube with two other people. I'd like to introduce them to you:

Heather O'Hourigan has the amazing ability to recount scenes from movies or television, word for word and move for move. While that in itself may not be a useful skill, she makes it useful by combining it with a dose of logic and a formidable acting and writing talent. How this applies: she's the stickler who says, "I don't think that character would say, 'It's not'. She'd say, 'It isn't'." We shake our heads sometimes, but we do appreciate it. Heather's credits include Ms. Potter in "It's a Wonderful Life" and Trudy in "The Search for Signs of Intelligent Life in the Universe".

Gannopy Blakney-Urena has a great ear for flow and clarity, credibility and relevance. As an actress, she brings grace and sensibility to her characters. Her first movie (still untitled) is in post-production.

I don' t know how I managed to be so spoiled, but I'm blessed with a very talented family: Heather is my niece and Gannopy is my daughter. Yes, I'm very proud.

This project won't be done soon. For one thing, it's probably never going to be the top-priority project for any of us. School and marketable work come first. For another, Heather's the only one with any experience at all with Youtube beyond just viewing. And it goes on from there. This is going to an educational exercise, an exploration, and, just possibly, one day, a short film.

Oh, and it'll also be a lot of fun, and we want to take the time to make sure it stays that way.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Leap Day Project

I just wrapped a project with two other people, and it was wonderful working with them.

Now we're exploring the feasibility of a new project, and I thought I'd share the process with you as we go along. It's new territory for me at least: I'm a writer and the writing part's already done. We're thinking of taking a short (nine page) script and making a movie out of it for Youtube.

There are three of us, all female. Here's the script:

The Suitcase Man

by

Mary Jeddore Blakney

Based on a short story by the same name.

EXT. PARKING LOT NIGHT

An older car is parked at a convenience store. GRETCHEN, a

pretty young woman, goes around the car with growing alarm

trying all the handles but everything is locked. She stands

in disbelief for a moment, then walks into the store.

INT. STORE

GRETCHEN is in the aisles, looking carefully at the products

on a shelf. She doesn't find what she's looking for. She

looks up and sees a store employee, KAYLA, straightening

a cooler shelf.

GRETCHEN

Excuse me.

Kayla jerks her head up. She'd been falling asleep.

GRETCHEN

Sorry to bother you, but do you

carry lockout kits?

KAYLA

Nope. Manager doesn’t want to be

responsible for car thefts. Can’t

say as I blame her, either. Lock

yourself out?

GRETCHEN

(Nods and sighs)

KAYLA

Child in the car?

GRETCHEN

No, fortunately, my brothers are

safe at home.

KAYLA

(Grunts)

GRETCHEN

Would you happen to have a wire

coathanger?

KAYLA

(Jumps. She's been sleeping on

her feet.)

Sorry, can’t help you. I had one,

but I gave it to a guy to tie up

his tailpipe with. It was starting

to fall off, dragging on the

ground.

GRETCHEN

Is there an auto-parts store around

here, close enough to walk to? Even

if it’s a couple of miles, that

would be okay.

KAYLA

No, closest one’s in Bradford, and

that’s got to be, gee, twenty

miles? I’m trying to think…

GRETCHEN

How about a dry cleaner's?

A middle-aged female CUSTOMER comes into view, picks up a

package of donuts, changes her mind and puts them back.

KAYLA

Well, yeah. Actually, there’s

one…it’s not that far. Can’t be

more than a mile, anyway. I’ll give

you directions but you might want

to write them down; there’s kind of

a lot of turns.

CUSTOMER

(Pulls out a pen and hands it

to Gretchen)

That’s my business. You can keep

it.

GRETCHEN

(Looks at pen. It advertises

cruises.)

Thanks.

Customer exits.

GRETCHEN

I should have asked her for a ride.

KAYLA

She would have said no anyway. She

comes here all the time, so I kind

of know her. She’s paranoid

someone’s going to steal her car.

EXT. SIDEWALK NIGHT

GRETCHEN trudges like she's been walking for a while. She's

alone and there's not much traffic. The sidewalk is crumbly

and sometimes disappears into a well-worn dirt path.

EXT. DRY CLEANER SHOP NIGHT

GRETCHEN arrives and is disappointed to find the shop

closed. She scours the parking lot and eventually finds what

she's looking for: a wire coathanger.

EXT. PARKING LOT NIGHT

There's less light now: the store is closed. GRETCHEN

struggles to straighten the hanger with just her hands, her

knee and a parking curb. She keeps wincing and flexing her

fingers because she's hurting them. When she's got it

straight she starts poking the seal around the driver's door

window and eventually gets it in. She struggles for a long

time, pulling the wire out and bending it, trying again,

bending again, until finally she gets it to reach the lock.

But it's too weak and bends instead of pressing the button.

She's exasperated and scared. She sits on a parking curb,

very discouraged, pulls her phone out of her pocket, dials

and puts the phone to her ear.

FADE TO:

EXT. PARKING LOT NIGHT

GRETCHEN is still sitting on the parking curb with the phone

to her ear.

911 DISPATCHER (O.S.)

I'll transfer you to the State

Police.

GRETCHEN waits.

STATE POLICE DISPATCHER (O.S.)

“The only thing we can do for you

is find you a wrecker service.

Unfortunately, we don’t perform

lockout service. Would you like me

to help you find a wrecker service?

GRETCHEN

Yes, please.

INT. WRECKER COMPANY

MADDY, the twenty-something night desk person, sits with her

feet on the desk. The phone rings.

MADDY

Howard Towing service. Servicio de

grua.

(listens)

We don’t do lockout service. I wish

I could help you, but they

shouldn’t have sent you to us. What

you need is a locksmith.

GRETCHEN (O.S.)

Can you help me find a locksmith?

MADDY

(Looking around for it)

I got a phonebook around here

somewhere. I could look in there.

GRETCHEN (O.S.)

That'd be great, thanks.

EXT. PARKING LOT NIGHT

GRETCHEN paces, holding her phone and a piece of register

receipt paper full of writing on both sides. She pulls up

her left sleeve and there are several phone numbers written

on her arm. She dials one and waits.

GRETCHEN

Hi, how much do you charge for

lockout service?

(listens, looks disappointed,

writes "$85" on her arm under

the number)

Kay, thanks. I might call you back.

FADE OUT

EXT. PARKING LOT NIGHT

GRETCHEN sits on the parking curb. All the phone numbers on

her arm have prices written under them now. They are all $80

and up except for one: $45.

GRETCHEN

I know I said I wouldn't call this

one, but...here goes.

(dials, doesn't wait long)

JEREMIAH (O.S.)

Lockout service.

GRETCHEN

Hi, my name is Gretchen and I

called a few minutes ago.

JEREMIAH (O.S.)

Yes, I remember you. Did you decide

to go ahead with the job?

GRETCHEN

(grimacing)

Yes, I did.

JEREMIAH (O.S.)

Great! That’s automotive lockout

service for forty-five dollars.

Will you be paying with cash?

GRETCHEN

With cash, yes. I even have exact

change.

JEREMIAH (O.S.)

That’s fantastic, Gretchen. Just

sit tight, and we’ll get you out of

there - or, into there, I guess. If

he’s not there in twenty minutes,

just give me a call back, alright?

EXT. PARKING LOT NIGHT

GRETCHEN paces, waiting, and an unmarked white pickup pulls

up. It parks nearby and JEREMIAH, a shaggy, heavyset young

man gets out. He's wearing blue coveralls with no markings.

JEREMIAH

Are you Gretchen.

GRETCHEN

Sure am. Thanks for coming.

JEREMIAH

(Walks toward her, offers his

hand.)

No problem. I'm Jeremiah.

They shake hands.

JEREMIAH

Listen, I know we quoted you

forty-five dollars over the phone,

but if the money’s an issue,

there’s a way you can actually get

the job done for free.

GRETCHEN

(disgusted, ready to defend

herself)

Listen, Mister, some things are

just not for sale. I was told I was

going to get my car unlocked for

forty-five dollars, and as far as

I’m concerned you’re here to unlock

my car for forty-five dollars.

JEREMIAH

(flinches, backs up, turns his

palms out)

Oh, no, no, no, Ma’am, it’s nothing

like that. It’s just that…well,

here’s the deal: I’m not a

locksmith. I don’t actually know

how to get your car unlocked.

GRETCHEN

(pulling out her phone)

You’re kidding me. You’re not a

locksmith? What are you, then, some

kind of sicko?

JEREMIAH

(taking another step back)

I didn’t mean to scare you. Hear me

out, okay? I promise I won’t touch

you.

GRETCHEN

(her thumb over the '9'

button)

Okay.

JEREMIAH

We’ve got a suitcase - some

business associates and me - and it

needs to be somewhere else. It’s

not that big, kind of small, like a

small carry-on bag or what my

grandmother used to call an

overnight case. Not that much

bigger than a laptop case,

actually, and probably a little bit

lighter, too. The problem is, it’s

not doing anybody any good as long

as it’s sitting here with us, and

we’ve got a customer in Maryland

that would very much like to have

it.

GRETCHEN

(almost amused)

Somebody in Maryland would like to

have your suitcase?

JEREMIAH

What's in the suitcase - which is

locked, by the way, and you don’t

need to worry about what’s in it.

It’s not hazardous, not radioactive

or explosive or anything like that.

That’s all you need to know.

GRETCHEN

Okay.

JEREMIAH

The transaction is of a

rather...sensitive nature. It’s a

drop ship situation - you know, a

middle-man deal, and we can’t

reveal the middle-man’s source

(that’s us), and the middle-man is

actually a guy in a wheelchair who

spends all his time online and

doesn’t really leave his apartment,

so delivering it himself is not an

option. What we need is to find a…a

neutral third party, you might call

it, to deliver the product for us.

Now here’s where you come in: if

you choose to be that party,

there’s five thousand dollars in it

for you. And of course, with five

thousand dollars you can hire all

the locksmiths you like.

GRETCHEN

(with a dry laugh)

You’re forgetting one thing. I

wouldn’t be able to deliver it

anyway, unless I got my car

unlocked first.

JEREMIAH

(points)

Got that all taken care of. See

that parking lot?

GRETCHEN

(turns to look)

Yeah?

JEREMIAH

That’s the park-and-ride, and you

can’t see it from here, but right

on the other side of that is the

bus station. So you won’t need to

use your car to deliver the

suitcase; you can take the bus.

Your car can just stay right here

until you get back; it’ll be fine.

I’ll buy you a round-trip ticket.

GRETCHEN

So what’s in the suitcase?

JEREMIAH

We already went over that part.

Come on, Gretchen. I’m not stupid,

and it’s pretty clear to me that

you aren’t either. Let’s not play

any games.

GRETCHEN

Right.

(Stares at him for several

seconds.)

You really expect me to do this for

you?

JEREMIAH

(Shrugs)

It's up to you.

(Looks around)

But honestly, from the looks of it,

it doesn’t really seem to me like

you’ve got a whole lot of other

options.