Showing posts with label mental illness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mental illness. Show all posts

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Discouragement in Writers

The days are getting short and cold here in New Hampshire, and that's got me thinking about moods. I've known some people with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). Apparently people who suffer from this become depressed if they don't see enough sunlight. The treatment seems to be to get away from me - they move far away to some place I've never been, like Arizona, and feel much better.

We writers, of course, tend to be very moody people. Not all of us have a disorder like SAD, but I think most of us have times when we get very discouraged for one reason or another. In a tough world economy, people tend to feel like art of any type is unimportant, and it's hard to take an objective look at your own work and know if it's any good or not. Add to that the fact that writing tends to be a rather solitary job, and compound it with the reality that most of us are at least a little bit reclusive, and you've got a fertile environment for discouragement.

I'm not here to dole out some kind of cure, or try to make you feel guilty if you're discouraged. I have to admit that I don't even know whether your writing is any good or not. But if you're feeling discouraged, I can tell you I've been there. And I'll probably be there again, since moods tend to go in cycles.

Right now I'm feeling energized and seeing nothing but possibilities. So since I seem to be the one standing on a rock at the moment, I'd like to offer a hand to anyone struggling in the mud. Another day it will be my turn to slog through the mud, and someone else's turn to reach out a hand to me.

Here are some thoughts that have helped me when I've been discouraged:

  • All the great writers were once just ordinary people who wrote something without knowing if anyone was going to like it or not. Probably every single one of them got discouraged sometimes, and if they had quit, the world would be without so much great literature.
  • Easy writing is like airplane crashes. It happens so rarely that when it does, we remember it. The vast majority of flights are uneventful and the vast majority of writing takes work. It's extremely rewarding work, but it's sometimes hard. Because of that, I have a right to feel proud of what I've written. If it were easy, it would be like turning on a water faucet. The water may be delicious, but I can't take the credit.
  • Feelings and facts are two different things. They're both real, and they're both important. If I feel discouraged or lonely, or just don't feel anything at all, then that's my reality at the moment. But those feelings don't necessarily line up with any facts. If I feel discouraged, that doesn't mean my work isn't worth something. If I feel lonely, that doesn't mean I'm alone. And if I don't feel anything, that doesn't mean there isn't still a lot of great stuff in my future.
  • I don't have to follow someone else's rules. One of the most wonderful things about creative writing is that each author's work is unique. That's because it's an expression of a unique individual, produced in a unique way. But when I see what works for another writer (wordcount quotas, for example), I'm tempted to feel like I'm not a 'real' writer unless I do it, too. Trying to fit into someone else's mold can be extremely discouraging. I think it's important to find what works for your own unique style and situation, and not worry about the rest.

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Writers and Mental Illness

This next, as Paul Harvey used to say, is partly personal. M Joseph Murphy reminds us that mental illness and creative talent often go together, and that's not necessarily a bad thing. Those who know me personally know that I fall into this category, too.


For the past week my OCD has been completely out of control.

There are many sorts of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Mine, thankfully, is not focused on germs. I'm an organizer. I'm compelled to refold everything in the linen closet, straighten the fridge, recategorize my music collection, or alphabetize my library.

Once I start an activity, any activity, it is almost impossible for me to stop. This is wonderful when that activity is writing or editing. But last week I had nothing to focus on.

Megan Fox Reportedly Suffers from OCD

Without the "distraction" is writing, my compulsive behavior is focused on everything else. I spent 10 hours working in Photoshop on a map for my next novel. Ten hours without so much as a washroom break. My hand seized several times. In fact, my muscles are still sore from it days later. The crazy reason why I didn't stop: a little voice in my head kept saying:

"What if you died tonight?  You can't leave this unfinished just in case."

I knew it was stupid. Completely irrational. I argued with my craziness saying "Stop after the water features are done." Then it got worse.

I turned to Netflix. I started Season 2 of the series 24 at 8:00 p.m. I didn't stop until 10:00 a.m. the next morning. I probably wouldn't have stopped then but my fiance gave me a look...so I napped for a few hours.

Compulsion isn't always a bad thing. Most of the time it actually works in my favor. I keep working on things long after everyone else would have stopped. It makes me a great employee and a very dedicated writer. I can spend hours writing or editing to get a scene just right. As long as I have a goal my compulsion doesn't get in the way of a normal, healthy life. Most of the time.

Dan Wells - Contributor to Writing Excuses

A few months ago I listened to a great podcast, Writing Excuses 8.8: Writing and Personal Health. All of the writers discussed their mental health issues. It helped me realize I wasn't alone. So what can I do about it? I refuse to take drugs to solve this type of problem. I think society in general is too over-drugged. I'm more in favor of cognitive retraining which is why I'm writing this post.


A few days ago I listened to a song on the radio: Who Can it Be Now by Men at Work. It got me really thinking about mental health. I come from a creative family who also have history of mental illness. My mother had paranoid delusions and frequently suffered from hallucinations. My father was diagnosed as bipolar with sociopathic tendencies years ago but, as far as I know, has never taken medication.

Maybe acknowledging and sharing my unhealthy behavior will help alleviate it.


Links:
List of Famous Authors with Mental Illness
Creativity 'closely entwined with mental illness'
Women Writers and their Mental Health
Writers Have Higher Risk of Mental Illness: Study
Dan Wells on Depression

Monday, January 14, 2013

Story Beginning: Way Past Boston

The guy walked right up to Brooke and thrust his head forward and down, but his eyes were turned to the side, somewhere beyond her left ear. “Are you Emily?” he demanded. The toes of his sneakers nearly touched the toes of her hiking boots.
Photo: johnbyronkuhner.com

She looked up at him. “No, I’m Brooke.”

“Oh.” He swung his head to glance over his right shoulder, then jerked it back. “I could have sworn you were Emily. Are you sure you’re not Emily?”

“I’m sure.”

He just stood there for a second and wiggled his lips, then shrugged, “Well, I guess you can’t help that. What’s your name?”

“Brooke.”

“Oh. I’m Franklin.”

“Nice to meet you, Franklin.”

He smiled at that, as though she had said something very kind, and suddenly shouted, “Thus saith the Lord!” Then in a regular tone, he asked, “Did you know that?” He was still staring past her left ear.

Brooke nodded. It was because of guys like this that she hadn't wanted to come to Penn Station in the middle of the night. But at least he seemed to be harmless, so far.

He put his right hand up, fingers and thumb upturned together, raised his face to the ceiling and said, “I mean, it’s all connected, you know what I mean?”

Brooke nodded again. “Sure. I can agree with that. It is all connected.”

He turned his face down again, let his hand come down, too, and grabbed one of the buttons on the front of her coat. "Why do you have buttons on your coat?" he asked.

"You need to let go of that," Brooke warned.

"Most coats have zippers," he persisted, still holding the button. "Why does - "

"Let go of my button," she interrupted, louder this time.

He didn't let go. "I don't think coats should have buttons," he said.

Another second and she would have had him on the floor, wondering what had hit him. Fortunately for him, his odd behavior had attracted attention, and a distinguished-looking man in a dark wool dress coat and bright red scarf was on his way over. Maybe Franklin the button-phobe would listen to the man, and she wouldn't have to hit him.

"You didn't answer my question," said Franklin.

"Because putting buttons on coats is a Belgian tradition," Brooke improvved, to buy a little time. "It's for good luck."

"Are you Belgian?" he asked, still clutching the button.

"Excuse me," said the man, reaching them and grabbing Franklin's arm. "You need to move on now." He didn't stop walking, and Franklin had no choice but to join him, or maybe fight him. Brooke stayed alert, ready to intervene if he chose the latter option.

He didn't. He let go of the button and the two men walked about thirty feet away. After that, Franklin kept going and the man in the red scarf came back. A woman stood nearby.

"You okay?" he asked.

"Yes, thank you," Brooke smiled. "That was very nice of you. He's probably harmless, but you never know."

"That's just it," the man agreed. "You can't wait to find out. I'm Bill Perelli and this is my wife Charlotte."

"Nice to meet you, Bill, Charlotte. I'm Brooke." She shook hands with each of them.

"Are you waiting for someone?" Charlotte asked. "We're waiting for our daughter. Her train was delayed due to mechanical problems. She's coming in from Washington."

"No, I came here to take a train. I hope your daughter makes it okay."

"Oh, yes, it's all fixed now; we're expecting her in a few minutes."

"That's good. Have you been waiting long?"

"Not really waiting, no. She's been texting us. We went out to eat; it was very nice."

Brooke nodded and tried to think of something else to say. She was exhausted.

Bill broke the awkward pause. "Where are you traveling to, if you don't mind my asking?"
Photo: nytimes.com

"New Hampshire."

"Oh, you have family there?" from Charlotte.

"Yes, I live there; I'm going home."

"What time does your train leave?" Bill asked. "I'd like to see you safely off. Pardon me for saying so, but Penn Station is no place for a young lady alone, especially at night."

"It looks like I'm not actually going to be taking a train tonight," Brooke admitted.

"Always a good idea to check the schedule beforehand," Bill chided gently.

"My car broke down," Brooke blurted. "It's done for; it can't be fixed, not for what it's worth. I was able to get it towed away for free, but that took all day; everyone wanted to charge me. Then I came here and thought I'd take a train home but I had no idea it would cost so much."

What next? I'll go on with this story but I wanted to open it up to all you writers out there. What would you do with it? What would happen next? What genre is "Way Past Boston"? Is it a short story, a novella or a novel? Feel free to finish it, your way; just please be sure to give me credit for the beginning. And if you send me what you come up with, I'd like to consider posting it on this site.



Monday, January 7, 2013

Short Story: The Art of Losing Things

I wrote this short story to share what my life was like before I learned I had a hormone imbalance and 'birth control pills' could correct it. The woman in this story is also blessed with synesthesia, which I have in another form (mine isn't musical).


“When are you going to grow up and figure out what you want to do with your life?” Normally Lara would have felt proud of her brother Eric, looking so handsome in his dressy polo shirt with those touches of premature grey at his temples. But not today.

He had stopped by to pick up some well water. After six months she had finally managed to convince him that he was wasting money buying water at the supermarket. He was wasting packaging, too, but she wasn’t sure he cared about that.
“I know what I want to do with my life,” she answered him, trying to keep the annoyance out of her voice, handing him a gallon apple juice jug full of water. The next one was labeled “Fruit Punch.” She opened it, positioned it in the sink and turned the faucet on. 

“Well, what?” Eric spread his arms out in a huge, lopsided shrug, his left hand going only halfway out because of the weight of the jug. “Are you keeping it a secret?”

Lara just shook her head. 


He put the apple juice jug down by the door with the rest of them and used his right thumb to dial his phone. Then he walked to the bay window in the dining room and dialed again. “And why do you live out here?” he yelled from the dining room. “You don’t even have phone signal. Don’t you people believe in towers?” 

“I get signal on my phone,” she answered, turning off the faucet and capping the jug. Apple juice again. She brought it to the door herself since it was the last one. 

“Well, let me use your phone, then.” He put his own back in the pouch on his belt and held his hand out. 

Lara shook her head again. “I don’t know where it is.” She opened a closet, grabbed her painting smock from a hook and put it on over her head. It was an old dress, big enough to fit into two or two or three times over, in a style that had been madly in fashion for a few months about ten years ago. 

Eric averted his eyes from the hideous dress. “You lost your phone—again?” 

Lara just looked him in the eyes, feeling sheepish. 

“How long since you’ve had it?” 

She made a face. 

“How long?” 

“About a week, I guess.” She uncapped a couple of paint tubes, the yellow and the white, for the sky. 

Eric sighed. “Well,” he said, “let me use your house phone, then.” 

She handed him the cordless handset. “You can’t call long distance, though.” 

The look he gave her would have withered an oak tree. “Really?” The word came out in a squeak. 

“I mean,” she explained, “it’s not in my plan.” 

“Oh,” he said. “Why not?” 

“I have my cell phone.” 

He just stared at her. 

She shrugged. “Except when I don’t.” 

“How exactly did you manage to lose your cell phone,” he asked, “again?” 

“I don’t know. Maybe I ought to be on medicine.” She capped the paints again. It was no use trying to work now: she couldn’t concentrate. 

Eric wiped his forehead like it was sweaty, even though it wasn’t. “If it’s medicine you need, go see a doctor. Make an appointment right now. Come with me, we’ll borrow a phone, one that gets signal, and get you an appointment.” He opened the door and grabbed two of the jugs. 

Lara grabbed two more. “I can’t. I don’t have insurance.” 

“Don’t you qualify for free care?” he asked, walking out. 

“I think I do,” she answered, following him, “or I would, if it weren’t for the red tape.” 

“What do you mean, red tape?”


"All that paperwork."

Photo: moneycrashers.com
“So fill out the paperwork.” They lifted the four jugs into his trunk, which was already open. 

“I started to,” she said. They started back to the house for the rest of the jugs. 

“What happened?” 

“So many questions.” 

“So answer them.” 

“Half of them are unanswerable.” 

“What do you mean, unanswerable?” They grabbed the rest of the jugs. 

“I don’t know how to explain it.” 

“Well, can you show me?” 

“I don’t know where it is.” 

“Well, when did you have it last?” They put the jugs in the trunk again. 

“I don’t know.” 

“What do you mean, you don’t know?” he put his hand on the trunk lid and waited until she was clear of it before slamming it down. 

“I probably had it when I was asleep.” 

“Oh, come on!” 

“No, I mean,” she began, but it was hard to find the right words. “I,” she started again, and stalled again. 

“Take your time,” Eric said, and leaned his elbows on his trunk, to slow himself down. “I’m listening.” 

“Sometimes I go through life half asleep,” she said. “Caffeine doesn’t help; I can’t give myself a sugar high; exercise doesn’t help. And that’s when I lose things; when I come out of it, things are missing.” 
Photo: stockbyte/thinkstock

His head was down, his hands folded, the bridge of his nose on the tips of his thumbs. “You do need to be on medicine,” he said firmly, looking up. 

“I’m worried, though, Eric,” she told him. “What if it makes me lose my artistic ability?” 

“What artistic ability?” he scoffed. “You waste your time painting and dreaming. We’re talking about real life here.” 

The phone rang from inside the house. 

“Go get it,” he said, “I’ve got to go anyway. I have to make this call.” 

“Lara!” the voice on the phone gushed, “How come you were holding out on us?” 

“Holding out on you?” Lara repeated stupidly. She hadn’t placed the caller’s voice yet. 

“I had no idea you were so talented.” 

“Oh, thank you,” Lara replied. She knew who had called, now: it was a woman she was friendly with, had met a few times. Her name was Jodie. “To what do I owe the random compliment?” she asked. 

“Oh, I just saw your website.” Jodie explained. “I had no idea.” 

“Oh. Thank you,” said Lara again. The conversation felt awkward, and she didn’t want to talk on the phone right now, anyway. She wanted to paint. 

“Why didn’t you tell me you could paint like that?” Jodie asked. 

“I don’t know, I—“ Lara stammered. “I thought I’d mentioned that I like to paint, sorry.” 

“Like to paint!” Jodie mocked. “This is a whole lot more than just liking to paint. This is talent. I had no idea.” 

“Well, thank you,” Lara said again. She didn’t know what else to say. 

“You shouldn’t hide it,” Jodie advised. “You should be in a gallery. There’s a nice one in Setterton.” 
“Yeah,” Lara agreed. “I like that one.” 

“Or there’s Diamante Gallery in Hillsborough,” said Jodie. “I don’t know what ‘Diamante’
means, but it’s another option, I guess.” 


“’Diamante’ is Spanish for ‘diamond,’” Lara answered, “but I don’t know why they named it that. I saw a nice pottery exhibit there a few years ago.” 

“Well, anyway,” Jodie went on, “you should be in one of them—your paintings should, I mean.” 

“Sounds nice,” Lara replied. She wanted to paint. 

“So which one?” Jodie asked. She sounded excited. 

“Which one what?” 

“Which gallery do you want your paintings in, of course.” 

“Oh, well, either one would be great, for sure.” 

“So pick one,” said Jodie, “and let me know when I can see it there. I can’t wait to show all my friends. I can’t believe I know you.” 

“Whoa, there!” Lara covered her eyes with her left hand, glad Jodie couldn’t see it. “Wait a minute. Getting into a gallery isn’t that easy.” 

“But you’re that good,” Jodie argued. “Sure, it’s not easy for us regular people, but for you it’s no problem. That’s why the galleries are there, Lara. They need artists like you, or they wouldn’t exist.” 

“Well, thanks for the vote of confidence,” she replied diplomatically. 

“Tell you what,” Jodie chirped. “I’ll get you an application, and then you can get started. Oh, it’ll be great! You’re going to be famous, Lara, I just know it, as soon as you get your work out there. But you have to get it out there, first thing. I can see it now, you and me at your exhibit, and all your fans, and we can…” 

Lara had been trying hard to pay attention, to follow Jodie’s chatter at least in general, but there were just too many words, coming too fast, and her mind wandered. It didn’t help that she couldn’t see the words—if they’d been text on a page it would have been a little easier, and even better if Jodie had been standing in front of her in person. 

What she could see was her painting, sitting there on its easel, waiting for her. Its unfinished state gave it a melancholy look, like harmony without melody, and she couldn’t help feeling sorry for it. 

She cradled the phone with her right shoulder and picked up the tube of yellow. She unscrewed the cap and stared at the tiny foil seal, wishing Jodie would stop chattering and let her break it, squeeze it, mix it, get on to painting. 

She could see exactly how she would mix it with the white, exactly how she would apply the mixture to the canvas, exactly how the sunbeam would look when she was finished. She could almost hear it. 

She sighed quietly, screwed the cap back on the paint tube and rested her chin on both her hands, her wrists together—and that’s when she realized she was no longer holding the phone. 

It didn’t seem to be lying anywhere nearby, so she was going to have to look for it, call Jodie back and apologize. 

But where should she look? When Eric had called yesterday, it had rung from the egg-keeper on the top tier of the fridge door. But she hadn’t opened the fridge since Jodie had called. She checked the mail table, all the windowsills in the living room, all the shelves of the art closet, all the steps in the staircase. 

She was just getting down to look under the sofa when she heard a sound that reminded her of frightened chickens, and realized the phone had fallen into one of the big front pockets of her smock. Or maybe she’d put it there and forgotten. 

“Lara? Did you hear me?” 

“Yeah, I’m here.” She stood up, bumping her head lightly on the coffee table. It didn’t hurt, but the stack of books fell over. “That’s great, Jodie, thanks,” she said with a smile, amused that the woman had actually been talking the whole time. She put the phone back on her shoulder and restacked the books. 

Jodie was on a roll again, something about the technique some other artist used, da Vinci maybe. Lara took a deep breath and barged in: “In fact, I’m going to start painting here in another minute. I’m sorry, but I have to go. I can’t talk on the phone when I’m painting. It’s a zone thing.” 

“Oh, well don’t let me stop you,” Jodie replied. “Any time I call and you’re getting ready to paint, you just let me know, and I’ll go. I don’t want to interfere with your creative process and all.” 

“Thanks, I appreciate that,” said Lara sincerely. 

“So you get started, then,” Jodie continued. “I’ll stop by the galleries and grab those applications for you in the next couple of days. I have to go to Hillsborough anyway tomorrow. This is so exciting, Lara! Okay, I’ll talk to you later. Go paint.” 

“’Kay, thanks, Jodie. Bye” Lara set the handset down in its cradle to charge, went to the kitchen and washed her hands. 

She unscrewed the cap to the yellow paint, turned it around and carefully punctured the foil seal. She placed the cap on the tray of her easel, picked up her palette and pinched the end of the tube, down near the crimp. A dab of shiny buttercups appeared and sang a pure single note, an E. She picked up the tube of white paint, opened it, pinched it. White was two notes lower, middle C. She picked up her brush and began to swirl the two colors together, combining the notes until they formed a constant, even harmony.

Photo: 500px.com
Then she turned her attention to the painting. Its incomplete melody sounded flat, looked flat, felt flat. It was a bog or wetland on a dismal, cloudy day. An unfinished bull moose stood half-submerged, his velvety antlers raised high, his chin still dripping from his watery lunch.

She prepared her brush and lovingly applied the paint, adding a shaft of sunshine that broke through the cloud cover. The flat tones of the overcast bog began to recede into the background, began to be the harmony. The yellow hum of sunshine and the strong trumpeting brown of moose-fur began to take their rightful place as the melody. 

The music was as real for Lara, its notes as distinct and recognizable, as if it had been an orchestra in front of her instead of a canvas. ‘Synesthesia’, the psychology books called it. But to Lara it was just reality: each shade of color was connected intrinsically to a specific musical note. Or, to put it another way, each musical note was a particular shade of color. When she went to concerts, she would close her eyes and lose herself in the ever-changing storms of color. When she painted, she composed music. She’d never learned to read actual sheet music very well, although it was one of those things she hoped to get to someday, but whenever she looked at anything, its colors sang their notes to her as distinctly as a page of sheet music sang in the mind of a veteran composer. It was one of those things she could never explain well enough for Eric to grasp. 

She stood back and surveyed her work, added a brushstroke here, a descant of nearly-pure white there, perfecting the scene, harmonizing the tones, heightening the heavenly crescendo of the sunbeam. 

Two discordant notes jangled in the composition, ruining the melody. They weren’t in the clouds: tiny notes of discord, mostly purples and blacks, buzzed in the receding storm clouds. But they were small, quiet, in the background. They provided the sinister counterpoint that emphasized the joy of the sunshine. These notes were in the foreground, overpowering the joy, wrecking the music. For an instant, Lara’s reaction was to check the canvas, see where she’d spilled or smeared or carelessly swiped her brush. Then she realized the offending sounds were not in the painting. 

She shook her head, laughing at herself for mistaking the sound of the doorbell for colors in a painting, laughing in giddy relief that her precious “Moose in a Bog” was not ruined. She wiped her hands on her smock and began to lean around the fridge to glance out the window at the driveway, to see whose car was there. She didn’t want company. She wanted to color symphonies and orchestrate sunshine. She wanted to paint. 

The doorbell sounded again, double this time: “Ding-dong, ding-dong.” 

“Coming!” Lara called. She turned her back to the driveway-window and walked to the door. 

Note: The author answered a call from Chainbooks.com to write just the first chapters for several novels, and The Art of Losing Things is one of them. If you'd like to contribute a chapter to The Art of Losing Things, or check out the other novels-in-progress at Chainbooks, click here.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Guest Post: Short Story: The Wooden Bridge

Please help me welcome today's guest blogger, Gannopy Blakney-Urena: 

"I need to be guarding my bridge!" I yelled, as guards were pulling me away, my feet making a coarse sound on the ground as I watched my wooden bridge grow further away. I felt my muscles tighten as I tried to get back to my beautiful bridge. But the guards responded with tightening their grip, and my foot started kicking in a desperate struggle. All of a sudden, the world went black.
Photo: bridgehunter.com

I opened my eyes, and closed them again, not wanting to expose them to the dull gray of the room. Old memories flooded back from when I was here before. I quickly tried to direct my thoughts somewhere else. I did not need to think about that horrible stretch of my life. But I couldn't. Adrenaline coursed through my veins. I know, it's weird to have a small woman like me living under a bridge, and I've probably yelled some pretty odd things. But I'm not crazy. I know that. I don't even know much about the bridge anyway. It was still a mystery to me, how a world like that could fit inside a minuscule bridge. But the most important thing I knew, and probably all I needed to know, was that I needed to guard my bridge. No matter what it took. I heard an annoying tapping as a pink-clad nurse came in view of my eyes.

"Hello, Bianca, how are you today?" The nurse put on a sugary tone that got on my nerves. How did she know my name anyway? I didn't tell her. Or maybe they took a DNA sample of me when I was knocked out. Aren't they supposed to ask permission for that?

"How do you know my name?" I replied coldly. I wasn't going to take this annoying sugary-voiced lady for granted. Her unusually-white teeth glinted at me while her blue eyes were rolling around like a searchlight.
Photo: treasuresofencouragement.org

"Dear, don't you know it's standard procedure to take DNA of all patients who enter a mental hospital?" She was looking more like a Barbie than ever. She was even blonde.

"Aren't you supposed to ask permission for that?" My brows pulled together in fury.

"Dear, we are in a mental hospital. Half the patients don't know what they are saying half the time."

Adrenaline was now pumping through me harder than ever. Why was this nurse affecting me so much? "Well I know no matter what you say, I am not crazy, and you are not going to decide that for me."

The nurse was raising her eyebrows high, and they were in danger of disappearing in her bleach-blonde bangs.

"Ooh, temper, temper, I'm afraid we will have to take care of that."

And before I knew what was happening, my eyes detected a silver glint, my nerves a second of pain, and my mind went blank.

My brain was still sensing what was around my body, but unfortunately it could not pull together a string of thought, verbal or otherwise. Finally my mind found a hold and my brain began supplying my vocal cords with vibration patterns, but with difficulty.
Photo: newsone.com

"How dare you, er, drug me when you don't have the right? I did not assault you and I was, er, merely speaking the truth." I finished with beads of sweat on my forehead.

"Well, dear," the nurse had the outrageous nerve to say, "who says you have the right to speak the truth displayed by your mind?"

And there was another glint of silver; another second of pain, and the world went black.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Pleased to Beat You

Here's a science fiction story, one of the eight short stories in The Claw and the Eye:

Obviously, he was just another sign of Jade's over-active imagination. She looked again to clear the bizarre image from her mind, and there he was, standing on the orange leaves behind the house. It would have been odd enough for a stranger to walk into her backyard from the forest at all. But this stranger looked like he should have been walking into a sci-fi convention. His entire head was covered in a hairless, ridged and scaly mask. He wore a futuristic-looking slate-gray jumpsuit with an intricate design of shiny gold-colored circles embossed on the front. Heavy gray boots came up to his knees. "My vehicle is disabled," he said. "I require help." He had a deep voice.
"Where is your vehicle?" Jade asked, stalling for time.

Photo:www.libroscienciaficcion.com
"About 500 meters north-northeast of here." He sounded congested.

500 meters north-northeast. There were no roads in that location--only a rough jeep track. Then either he was confused, or he was lying to hide something. "I'd be happy to call someone for you," she told him, and went into the house. She would lock the door and call 911, and they'd probably take him to the hospital.

But before she could finish closing the door, he grabbed it and followed her inside. He was tall--at least six-six.

With an effort, she looked up at the scaly mask. It fit him well--it must have been glued on and touched up with makeup. "Wait for me outside, please."

"No," he said, and closed the door.

“Really,” she insisted, her pulse throbbing in her ears, “you need to wait outside.” She tried to open the door again, but he held it closed. She kicked the little throw-rug out of the way, got a solid stance on the pine floorboards, grabbed the doorknob with both hands, leaned back and pulled hard. But of course she was no match for the much bigger intruder, and he stood there looking almost bored, holding the door shut easily with one hand.

Telling herself not to panic, she methodically put the mail down on the table, took off her coat and fed the fire in the woodstove. She replaced the stove-lid, hung the lid-lifter on its nail beside the bellows and whisk broom on the side of the stair-stringer and started for the telephone.

But when she had the phone almost within her reach, he grabbed her arm, stopping her. His touch felt like leather--and no wonder. He wore gloves to match the gray-brown 'alien' skin of his mask.

The fingers of the gloves ended in claws, but either they weren't sharp or he had been careful not to scratch her with them. "I will not allow you to contact your government," he said matter-of-factly. He must have had a bad cold: he sounded all plugged up.

"Let me go!" Jade protested, trying not to sound scared.

To her surprise, he did release her, and she made a dive for the phone.

It was useless. He grabbed her arm again and held her back.

"Okay," she breathed, hoping she hadn't angered him. "No phone calls." She paused, swallowed, took a deep breath, and said, "But then, I don't know how I can help you."

"I require heat," he replied evenly. "You will stay by the stairs." Still holding her arm, he pulled her back around the table to the place where she’d just hung the lid-lifter. She thought he might frisk her to make sure she didn’t have a cell phone on her, but he didn’t. Maybe he knew there was no cell signal there, or maybe he just didn’t think of it. He stood between the stove and the table, blocking her way to the phone, and took off his outer piece of clothing. It was a stiff piece, worn in front like the protective gear of a baseball catcher. He pulled his arms out of his jumpsuit and tied the sleeves around his waist. The long-sleeved jersey or unionsuit he wore underneath covered him completely, from 'alien' mask to 'alien' gloves.

"What should I call you?" Jade asked.

"Zukk," he answered, "My name is Zukk." It rhymed with 'duke.' But he was so congested that it sounded like, "By dabe is Zukk."

"Zukk," she repeated. "Okay. Why the alien costume?"

Zukk--or whatever his name really was--didn't answer right away. He removed a small object from his left hip and spoke into it: "Costube." Some sounds came from the object. Then he replaced it and turned to Jade. "Are you asking why I wear this clothing?"
Jade resisted the temptation to roll her eyes at this attempt at acting. "Yeah, why the alien suit? You going to a con?"

"No," he answered. "I wear the uniform of a Chuzekk Zidd." (It rhymed with 'seed.') "What should I call you?"

"Oh sorry," she answered. "I'm Jade. Nice to meet you." She offered her hand reluctantly, and he shook it.


“Jade,” he repeated.

"I should check the fire again," said Jade. It was probably too early to check the fire, but she was nervous and needed to keep moving.

He nodded and made room for her. She looked at the fire and tasted the soup that simmered on top. After adding a little black pepper and allspice, there was nothing more to do than move it to the edge of the stove to keep warm.

"Is it ready?" he asked.

"Yeah," said Jade. "It's done." She didn't want to offer him any. He wasn't a guest, after all.

He lifted the cover without a potholder and smelled the soup. "I will eat with you," he said.

His arrogance annoyed her, but she thought it would be petty to argue. "Soup mugs are on the beam," she said, pointing past him.

He grabbed two, and she got out spoons and a ladle and dill weed. He ladled soup into the mugs and ate his. She stirred dill into hers and waited. It was too hot. Besides, she was too nervous to eat.

She should try to get him to talk. It would be good to know if he was a fugitive and the alien-act was a way of concealing his identity, or if he was just crazy. Either way, he could turn dangerous.

"So where you from?" she asked.

"Chuzz," he answered.

"Choose what?"

"Chuzz is the name of my planet. You have not discovered it yet."

Jade shrugged. "I hope this soup helps your cold."

"The heat from your fire is recharging my thermal garment," he answered, sounding as congested as ever in spite of the steaming soup. "We are cold-blooded. We cannot create our own heat as you do. So we wear special garments for this purpose. After my vehicle was disabled, I did not have time to finish repairs before recharging."

"So you came to my house to recharge your garment?" Jade asked. Whatever else this guy was, he was intelligent. And was there something more to his speech, too? A hint of an accent, maybe? It was hard to say for sure, with all that congestion.

"Yes," he said.

Compassion finally got the better of her. "You should take something for that cold. A decongestant.

Let me see what I have."

He followed her to the bathroom, soup in hand. "I do dot require a decodgestat," he objected. "I ab dot codgested."

"You can't even say the word 'congested,'" she countered, "because you're too congested."

"There are some sounds of your language which we cannot make," he explained. "It is a physiological difference, not an illness."

"O-kay," she replied. He was really testing her patience. "Are you sure you don't want to take one of these anyway? It'll help you feel better."

"Yes."
She poured out one pill and held it out to him, in the bottle cap.

He ignored it. "You should eat. You require fuel to create heat. You will come with me to my vehicle."

She put the pill away. "That's okay, you go ahead. I'll stay here."

"No. I will not allow you to contact your government."

They went back to the kitchen and he handed her her soup.

She took a bite, then said, "Why not? Why won't you let me contact the government? They can help you."

"They would consider me a threat, capture me, probably kill me. They would attempt to reverse-engineer my Personal Device, my thermal garment and my vehicle. When we contact your government, we will do so with a show of force sufficient to prove such actions unwise."

"I see." His logic may have been unrelated to reality, but it certainly seemed consistent.

He was getting back into his sleeves, so she put her coat on. The bright orange safety vest, a necessity during hunting season, was already on it. She grabbed some gloves, a hat and scarf, a flashlight and the Spanish novel she'd been reading before she'd gone out for the mail.

He put his front-piece back on, picked up the soup-pot by its bail handle and took her arm again.

She closed the stove-drafts, and he pulled her out of the house.

"What is that thing for?" she asked as they walked north into the forest. She indicated with her hand the stiff thing he wore on the front of his body.

"It is armor. It was originally for battle, but since its protection is useful for many activities, we wear them most of the day."

"And the design on the front? The gold circles?"

"They indicate my rank and command: Zidd, Foreign Relations."

A brilliant red maple that still had most of its leaves caught Jade’s eye. She let her head turn to enjoy the view. He had her firmly by the arm, so she didn’t really need to look where she was going. She didn’t know whether he would let her fall if she tripped, but it didn’t matter. What mattered was that she was being dragged into the forest by some weirdo. For all she knew, he could be a serial killer on the run. She was glad her daughter was in school. What she needed to do was find a way to convince her captor to go back, at least as far as the house, and hopefully as far as the road. At least then, there was a possibility someone would see them. “Do you know what’s wrong with your vehicle?” she asked him.

“Yes,” he said, and nothing more. He let go of her arm.

“Would you mind telling me?” she prodded.

“No,” he said. Still nothing more.

“So, um…are you going to tell me?” she asked, after a pause.

“If you want me to tell you, then I will.”

Jade rolled her eyes. “Please tell me what’s wrong with your vehicle,” she recited.

“The primary seal of the cooling fluid container for the second combustion chamber contained cellulose and fructose.”

Jade suppressed a laugh. Spaceship parts made of cellulose and fructose, what a fantasy! “Is it supposed to?” she asked.

“I do not understand,” her abductor replied, serious as ever. He walked very close to her: even if he was one of those guys whose size made them slow runners, he could still grab her if she tried to make a run for it. She kept up her pace.

“Is—that thing—supposed to be made of cellulose and fructose?” she asked, managing somehow to keep a straight face.

He shook his head “Cellulose and fructose are combustible,” he explained patiently. “They burned and the seal changed shape and caused a leak. The factory workers failed to install the secondary seal.”

Jade didn’t pay a lot of attention to the explanation. “Don’t you need to bring some tools?” she asked. “We have lots of tools at my house. I keep a basic set in my car, and then there are more in the shed. Shouldn’t we grab some?”

“Yes,” he replied, but he didn’t sound very interested.
It had worked. Jade stopped and began to turn back. “What tools do you need, exactly?” she asked, trying to sound casual.

He grabbed her arm and forced her forward, back in the direction they had been going—northeast, uphill, away from the road. The only hope of getting help out there would be if they happened to meet a hunter.

“But you said you need to get tools from my place,” she objected, looking up at him. She opened her eyes as wide as she could. Maybe he’d feel sorry for her, and reconsider.

“No,” he replied. “I said yes I do not need tools from your house. I need a tachzutt combiner and there is one in my vehicle.”

A new thought suddenly occurred to Jade: if 'Zukk' was delusional--really believed his own story--then would he become violent when he discovered there was no spaceship? She walked for a minute, thinking, silent except for the rustling sound her feet made in the leaves. Then she said,

"Does your vehicle have a self-destruct function?"

"I will not answer," was the 'alien's' response.

"Okay, that's fair. But if it does--and it's in need of repair--then the self-destruct could theoretically go off accidentally, right?"

"I don't know."

"And if that happened we could get to the spot where you left your spaceship--I mean your vehicle--and find nothing."

But when they got to the spot, it was Jade who was surprised. Standing among the wispy black-and-white-and-yellow birches and the thick green hemlocks was something that looked vaguely like a rocket--or like one of the space shuttles, only much smaller. It was white and shaped somewhat like a cone, and had some round black parts on the bottom that she took to be exhaust ports.

Just for an instant, she was tempted to wonder if Zukk really was from outer space. How else could she explain his vehicle, here in such a place? But then, a real alien ship wouldn't look like anything she had ever seen or even imagined.
"How did this get here?" she said aloud.

"I was recording this region when propulsion failed, forcing me to land. I will finish repairs. You will stay beside me."

"You were recording this region. You mean mapping it?"

"Yes." He took the device from his hip and punched in a code, and an opening appeared in the side of the vehicle. Jade noticed that he typed with his claws and not his fingers. He continued,

"Mapping and recording sounds, images, temperature, pressure, material composition and other things."

"You're a spy." She hadn't meant to say it aloud.

"Yes," They were inside the vehicle now. Zukk was typing with his claws and consulting various readouts. None of the places where he typed looked like keypads, and none of the places where the readouts showed looked like readout screens. Everything looked like structural elements--walls or posts, for example--until pictures and diagrams appeared on them.

And then she saw the writing in the readouts and forgot everything else. The characters were angular like printed Hebrew, but had a little of the brushstroke quality of Chinese. The language appeared to be either alphabetic or syllabary. If she could just hear some of it...

"What does that say?" she asked, pointing to a short piece of text above her head.

"26-pod propulsion failure,” he replied. “You will go outdoors with me." Then he took her arm and half-dragged her back out into the familiar world and away from the strange language that begged to be decoded. He had a tool in his other hand, and began using it. It appeared to be some sort of welding torch or laser.

He kept working for hours, and she couldn't convince him to let her back inside. He didn't want to talk, either, and she grew bored and cold. She ate some soup--also cold--and tried to run away but Zukk was too fast for her. She finished the chapter in the Spanish novel.

She wished she’d thought to bring her computer. She should be working right now, after all, and her next task was those four boring documents, two Spanish, one French and one Italian, that were waiting on her hard drive to be turned into English. She didn’t think for a moment that any of her clients would understand if she told them, “Your documents aren’t ready yet because I was kidnapped by a harmless man claiming to be an alien.” She may as well tell them a dog ate it, or a dinosaur.
The novel was much more interesting than those dry documents. It was also much more risky. Nobody was paying her to translate the novel, or not exactly, anyway. She was going to get a percentage, after expenses, assuming enough copies were sold to even cover the expenses.

But as excited as she was about translating the novel, even that was just another translation job. What she really wanted was to tackle a new language and analyze it. She had a feeling, and it wouldn’t go away. It was a feeling like there was something there, buried in the languages—not just in the romance languages she worked with every day. Not even in the Latin and sprinkling of Greek that was always present in all of them. The hints were there, but she wasn’t going to find the answer from just those hints. She wanted to immerse herself, for starters, in Russian, in Norwegian and Swedish, in old and new Turkish, in ancient and modern Hebrew. She didn’t need to actually learn the languages, she just needed to analyze them. Look for patterns. What patterns, she couldn’t tell. She only knew there was something.

But she was being silly. It was ridiculous to think that she, Jade Massilon, could find something the world’s expert linguists hadn’t found. She had only a GED with a couple of college courses tacked on. And she read a lot, for whatever that was worth.

And anyway it didn’t matter. She didn’t have time to chase language-ghosts; she had a living to make. She wished she’d at least thought to bring a paper and pencil. She could start working on translating the novel, that way. At least she’d be doing something, and she could get her mind off the tantalizing readouts locked inside this vehicle. She looked at Zukk working on it and wondered if it was ever going to fly. She wondered if he could really be an alien. She wondered if there was any way to know for sure.

Then suddenly he was done. He stood up and spoke a command, and the engine--or whatever it was--started with a babbling hum. Then the hum stopped and the vehicle disappeared.

"Cloaked," Jade heard herself say.

Zukk spoke another command and the vehicle reappeared, silent this time. He turned to her and offered his hand. This time, she shook it willingly. "I will leave now: you are free," he said. "I believe that since you have seen me, my government will expedite the Earth project. I expect ships from Chuzz to arrive soon." He let go of her hand and started toward his vehicle, then stopped and turned. “Our meeting was due to an error, but I am glad of it. You have a greeting.” He paused a moment to think, then said with his congested sound, “Pleased to beat you, Jade.”

Then he stepped into his vehicle and the opening closed behind him. The vehicle made its babbling hum for a few seconds, then went silent and disappeared.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Honor Thy Mother

Here's a short story about mental illness and child abuse:
The boy was missing.
“Mark, have you seen Temeni?” Sarah called to her husband. Raindrops fell sporadically on the porch railing outside the window as though the clouds were making up their minds whether to rain or not. She looked into the always-musty dining room, but Mark wasn't there.
Now that she thought about it, she couldn't remember having seen Temeni for quite a while. She walked to the back door and looked out. Three figures worked by the pig sty, spreading a large tarp over something. One was Mark. The others wore skirts. That would make them Rechah and Seraiah. Jalon was in a nearby pasture leading one of the horses to the barn. But where was Temeni?
It was time to cook supper. She went down to the cellar and picked out twelve potatoes and a squash, then put the squash back. Then she got six fish from the smoke-shed. She hadn’t thought to keep the kinds of fish separate when she and Seraiah had smoked them last year.
But Temeni...where was Temeni? He had no right to disappear like this. Who did he think he was, anyway?
Suddenly she realized the house was very cold. No wonder. All that was left of the fire was a few stray coals. She started another, shaking a little because she was seething with anger. She hadn’t forgotten about Temeni. It was insulting of him to just leave like this, without even saying anything. 
The door slammed. “Hi, Mom! I’m home!”
Sarah ran to the door. “Where have you been, young man?” she screamed.
“Fishing,” Temeni answered, trying to keep the fear out of his voice. His shoulders pulled up near his chin of their own accord.
“Fishing! When I was waiting for you?” Sarah yelled into her son’s ear, her voice shrill and shaking.
“You told me to get some fish for supper!” Temeni yelled back.
But his mother heard only the tone and not the words. She grabbed a handful of his blond hair and pulled suddenly with all the strength of rage. 
It was not in Temeni to fight his own mother, even when she was hurting him. His head crashed to the floor with a thud. He knew it was a sin to feel anger toward his own mother, but he couldn't help it. He was familiar enough with pain, but he howled anyway and his voice was hoarse with emotion.
He was up by now, and had run through the house and out the back door, not so much out of fear of his mother as out of fear that he would strike her.
Sarah chased him around the house several times. He had no intention of running away. There would be too much explaining to do, anywhere he went for shelter. And spreading rumors about his own mother would be a terrible sin--like stealing or worshiping graven images. What did it matter that these rumors would be true? He would invent some excuse for his throbbing, bloody forehead, soon half-believe it himself, and before it quite healed, forget about it. That was the pattern of things.
After six or seven laps around the house, Temeni realized that his mother was no longer following him. He found her sitting on the ground, hugging herself and sobbing.
“Mommy?”
There was no answer.
“Mommy?”
Again no answer.
“Why don’t you go inside? It’s raining.”
“Shut up and go away,” she said in a frail, thin voice, almost too quiet to hear.
Sarah had not gone very deeply this time into her habitual depression. She still performed her tasks, but somberly and silently. She ate very little, and she was physically weak to the point that her hands often shook as she worked. And she was very slow to react.
On the morning of the third day she milked the cows as usual. Since the house did not have electricity (It was a matter of principle.) Sarah always took the milk immediately to the Sheffields, who chilled it and sold it along with their own. 
She maneuvered the little Ford coupe over bumps and around muddy puddles. She glanced at the brook where it pushed its way over the driveway as well as under it. Once past its obstacle, it fell about six feet down a steep hill made even steeper by the erosion of the rushing water. This happened every year when the snow melted, and she was used to it. But her ailing mind was numb, and forgot that the water was carving invisible bumps and holes in the driveway. Before she knew it, her wheels were turned toward the banking. Her hands froze. She tried to tell them to move but they only trembled. 
When the rescue squad came, a small crowd of neighbors followed, some to help, some to gawk.
“Temeni,” said one of the gawkers, when she was getting bored, “what happened to your forehead?”
“Oh nothing much,” he answered. “Clumsy, I guess. I don’t even remember doing it.”